He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
