Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
We had to coat check the pizza.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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