Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
