i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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