i already hear my dad disowning me
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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