No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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