I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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