i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
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help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
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Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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