My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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