We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Randomize
