His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
