just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
