The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
