so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
