My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
