Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
