Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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