Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
