I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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