don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
