best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
sarcasm needs its own font
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
