...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Randomize
