Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize