So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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