So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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