I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Houston, we have a squirter
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
