im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
