If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
