How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
