I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
