i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
