i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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