dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
