I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
