The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Randomize
