Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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