Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
