I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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