Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
