i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
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you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
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At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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