Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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