There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
