I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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