he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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