the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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