The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
