In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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