I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
