So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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