im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
