I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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