and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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