either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
as a side note pls kill me
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
