i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
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He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
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