your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
